I was in the dentist chair the other week, for the first time since the pandemic began. I had a new hygienist, and she was doing the normal, get-to-know-you routine before shoving her hands in my mouth.
One of her first questions was, “what do you do?”
Without thinking, I uttered, “Oh, I’m just a writer.”
Just.
JUST?
If you’ve been following my blog, you know I’ve taken a hiatus from teaching to focus entirely on my writing. Up until that very moment – reclined in the squeaky faux-leather dentist chair as I was – when people asked me what I did, “physics teacher” rolled off my tongue quite easily. It was a no brainer.
Now that I’ve been away from teaching for over a year, though, it feels less legit to use that automated response. What am I doing nowadays? Well, I’m writing. Actually. Seriously.
So why the ‘just’?
Oh. OH. I think I know.
I bet I harbour internalized shame about being a writer, don’t I?
The thought of being a writer is still a secret thrill – like something I can’t believe I’m getting away with, rather than doing a JOB, because… well, because I’m an adult, and adults to JOB’s, right?
I decided to check if I could quantify my shame, to determine if it did indeed exist.
A few Google searches later, I had some options.
First, I tried a ‘guilt and shame’ test… not exactly what I was looking for, but it was worth a try. It turns out I have a shame level of only 28%, which didn’t help explain where the ‘just’ had come from at all.
Moving forward, I tried something called the ‘Rosenberg self-esteem assessment’. Turns out I’m quite full of myself, so that was no help either.
I then found myself caught in the weeds reading about the links between guilt, shame and motivation, but clicked back and re-focused my efforts.
Pushing forward, I followed a link to The American Psychological Association, where I read about the TOSCA-3, or ‘Test of Self-Conscious Affect (3rd version)’. This sounded like the real thing. Sadly, it wasn’t available for me to try. Unlike those online tests that revealed secrets about your psyche based on what type of ice cream you like best, the TOSCA-3 was reserved for professional psychological analysis. I clicked back.
After a bit more searching, I finally came across a seemingly legitimate quiz that dealt with internalized shame. This would put the whole issue to rest for me, I was sure.
Seven-and-a-half minutes of probing, inner-reflective questions later, the results were in:
You are a procrastinator.
(ok, that was my conclusion, not the quiz’s)
It was time to get back to writing.
It was time for me to… just do it.
Just write.
And that’s what I’m doing – I’m just writing… and you know what?
It’s awesome. 😊
~CONSTRUCTION UPDATE~
My standing desk is coming along! (see the design here, in my previous post)
All the pieces are cut, and sanding is underway.
The smell of spring is in the air! With the warmer temperatures, I’ll be able to take the work out onto the driveway. I’ll pre-finish all the pieces, assemble it, then stain and seal it.
In my next post, I’ll feature the final product in action!
